James’ Thought Spot

EVER WONDER…

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
Why you never see in the headlines, “Psychic wins lottery?”
Why doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why you have to click on “Start” to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a “new and improved” flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport “the terminal” if flying is so safe?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies Wake  up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for “normal” people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address as you write that comment?
Why I make useless stuff like this?

names not given because a few have turned into cliches and jokes so you never know who said them first so why bother naming the rest

Kinda sad, true quotes.

Now the trouble about trying to make yourself more ignorant than you really are is that you very often succeed.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Inspirational quotes

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.

(I’ll make a exception to the no name rule here for sake of the quote) “If geek means you’re willing to study things, and if you think science and engineering matter, I plead guilty. If your culture doesn’t like geeks, you are in real trouble.” — Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft.

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive it isn’t.

Un-Inspirational quotes

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

There are three sides of an argument — your side, my side and the right side.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

The road to success is always under construction.

Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.

Just plain Funny quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

You know the speed of light. so what is the speed of dark?

Why I’m tired:

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. Here’s why: The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn’t do that.

“Why,” asked the little girl.

“Because it’s dirty. It’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been. It probably has germs.”

The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, “How do you know so much?”

Thinking quickly, the mother said, “All moms know so much. We have to. It’s on the Mommy Test. If you don’t know it, you don’t get to be a mommy.”

The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. “I get it!” she said. “If you don’t pass the test, you get to be a daddy!”

“Yup,” said the mom.

A policeman was taking a vandalism report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six year old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, “Are you a policeman?”

“Yes, I am,” he said.

“My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman. Is that right,” the girl asked.

“Yes it is,” said the policeman.

The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, “OK, then, would you tie my shoe?”

Q: Did you see my client flee the scene?
A: No, sir, I didn’t. But subsequently I observed someone running several blocks away who matched the description of the offender.
Q: Who provided you with the description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer of yours provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust this fellow officer?
A: Yes, sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me then ask you this, officer. Do you have a room were you change your clothes in preparation for the day’s duties?
A: Yes, sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes, sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Why is it, officer, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex. And sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The old Sioux chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.

“Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems.”

The chief nodded. The official continued, “Considering recent events in New York, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?”

The chief stared at the government officials and continued smoking his pipe for over a minute, and then calmly replied: “When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. No house payments. No Daycare. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the cooking. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.”

The chief smiled, and added quietly, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.