Dog problems

Rory’s wife, Martha, afraid of local troublemakers, wanted a guard dog, so he went to ‘Pets R Us’ to buy one.

‘I have just the dog for you,’ said the shopkeeper to Rory, smiling, showing him an Affenpinscher. [Toy dog breed]

‘That little toy couldn’t frighten a fly,’ exclaimed Rory. ‘It’s far too little.’

‘Don’t you believe it, he knows karate,’ the shopkeeper replied hastily. ‘I’ll show you.’ With that, he pointed to a cardboard box and ordered, ‘Karate the box.’

Straightaway the little fellow smashed the box to pieces. The salesman then pointed to an old wooden chair and instructed, ‘Karate the chair.’ In seconds, the dog reduced the chair to matchsticks. Absolutely amazed, Rory bought the dog.

When he got home, Rory announced to Martha that he had bought the guard dog she had demanded. She took one look at the Appenpinscher and was singularly unimpressed. ‘That fluffy little creature thing couldn’t knock the skin off a rice pudding,’ Martha sneered.

‘You just wait and see,’ answered Rory confidently, ‘this Appenpinscher is a karate expert.’

‘The trouble with you, Rory,’ continued his wife scornfully, ‘is that you always believe anything a salesman tells you. ‘Karate, my foot.’

These are the answers from dogs when asked “How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?”

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

8 Reasons Why It’s Great to be a Dog.

  1. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don’t even have to comb your own hair.
  2. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
  3. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you’re cute.
  4. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
  5. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
  6. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
  7. It doesn’t take much to make you happy. You’re always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
  8. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

About James

This is a place to post things that I find interesting or puzzles and other things.
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